These images haunt me. They drag me to the gates of hell. I am often there staring in to the pits of fire, yelling and screaming leave me.

The strangest thing is that I have fallen in love, and all the beautiful emotions that love brings burst out of me one day. But so did the hellish images, and I don’t seem to able to push them back deep down where they resided for all these years.

I am not unique. The people who were with me suffer terribly and took comfort from my strength. Now I seem to be unravelling like a ball of string falling down a staircase.

Today I feel anger, I normally feel sorrow. But today I have a rage that I only experienced during the terrible times. I am pacing up and down the house like a prize fighter winding himself up for that title match. There is nowhere for this anger to go, I really am finding this hard today and that is why I wanted to write it just incase anything happened. I have kept myself out of work cause the wrong word may … well I think you get the idea.

Those people who have read my stuff have heard me talk about the Vulcan in me. He is the person who keeps all these emotions in. Today he is failing and today I need him more than any other day. Lucky I gave up on the idea of an audio blog, not a pretty site seeing a grown man cry. He is the being that is me when you see me staring into nothing with no expression. Some people call it the 1000 yard stare, I can tell you from experience it really does exist.

I know this post may not make any sense to anybody but I am going to post it with out editing it. So if it is not grammatically correct I do not care, I do not write that way, I write from my heart and emotions and feelings are not perfect.

This is my demon that I am battling:

I am wondering around after a huge gunfight, clearing routes etc. I see two guys (not our guys) they have someone on the floor goading him. I yell over “pack it in” but they do not stop. I can see them one has a foot on the mans head and is pointing a knife at his throat. I start running towards them yelling at them to stop. Then without any warning the guy holding the knife pushes it slowly into the mans throat until it comes out the other side, he then does a sawing motion and the knife cut through the front. I push them out of the way and have to stand over a man gasping for breath gurgling out his last noises. This is the last image I have in my head before I go to sleep every night. It now haunts me during the day. How long do you think it took the man to die – The rest of my life.

So if you do not see me on Twitter for a while, you know why, I am battling away. I may video it one day, no no I won’t.

So those who have been to the that dark place where you are screaming out loud “leave me alone I can’t take any more” you will know where I am today.