One little word, one little word that’s all it took to make something that I thought had gone in me, rage.
One little word didn’t just make the irksome grrr come out, it made the full on rage appear.
Last time I had this rage a lot of blood was involved and the people who pulled me away said that my eyes did not look like a human was behind them. Prior to that I put my fist through a Peavy concert speaker and broke my hand and did not feel a thing. Prior to that, well there are many many of these. My extra curricular activities gave me a way to release this rage, those activities are no longer.
Tonight I sat fuming and was in so deep that I did not notice a huge spider was crawling over my face, until it crawled onto my nose. Which made me almost smile.
I have noticed lately that the rage has been bubbling near the surface. I actually thought I was ill. I would when getting irked by people, sweat, start to go red and shake slightly. But I thought it was just hey maybe I have a like threatening illness. Obviously this has been creeping it’s way to the surface again.
This post probably makes no sense to anyone or is readable as I am writing it while still in rage. Normally I would wait, think, write and then decide not to post. There are many posts that have not made it to my blog, I delete them totally too. I need to write this stuff to get it out of my head, even if it does not make the blog I have got it out of my head. I have made the decision to post this one unlike the the twenty odd that I wrote then deleted.
What I have had to do is take myself away from the cause, the bit that ignited today. I can’t explain the cause, all I will say is that they should not make some sites totally searchable.
So this has not explained who, what, where, why you know the basis of a good story. As I said before I am writing during this rage and all I need is to try and get some of the stuff out of my head. I don’t want to hurt somebody and by that I mean physically, I know I hurt people emotionally and I am sorry.
I know that I have this brooding dark side, and normally it is just brooding. Lately it has manifested in actually being dark, being angry, being full of rage, being floaty in love, hurting and ecstasy.
Maybe I really do need the Vulcan side to be the dominant side. Ernie has been in control and obviously cannot be left alone in charge. Will have to find a name for the Vulcan side of me. For a long time I thought the Vulcan was me, Ernie, but he is not.
There you go I have not explained a single thing. It will though explain why you will not see me on Twitter, FaceBook or MySpace for a while, maybe forever.
Sorry for the rambling and all over the shop nature of this post but again I am posting while well I have already said what frame of mind I am in while writing this. Again sorry to those I talk to often on Twitter, I may be back, I may not.
Try living in my head
