Some people have done and been ask to do terrible things. I have seen things that people should never see.
These images haunt me. They drag me to the gates of hell. I am often there staring in to the pits of fire, yelling and screaming leave me.
The strangest thing is that I have fallen in love, and all the beautiful emotions that love brings burst out of me one day. But so did the hellish images, and I don’t seem to able to push them back deep down where they resided for all these years.
I am not unique. The people who were with me suffer terribly and took comfort from my strength. Now I seem to be unravelling like a ball of string falling down a staircase.
Today I feel anger, I normally feel sorrow. But today I have a rage that I only experienced during the terrible times. I am pacing up and down the house like a prize fighter winding himself up for that title match. There is nowhere for this anger to go, I really am finding this hard today and that is why I wanted to write it just incase anything happened. I have kept myself out of work cause the wrong word may … well I think you get the idea.
Those people who have read my stuff have heard me talk about the Vulcan in me. He is the person who keeps all these emotions in. Today he is failing and today I need him more than any other day. Lucky I gave up on the idea of an audio blog, not a pretty site seeing a grown man cry. He is the being that is me when you see me staring into nothing with no expression. Some people call it the 1000 yard stare, I can tell you from experience it really does exist.
I know this post may not make any sense to anybody but I am going to post it with out editing it. So if it is not grammatically correct I do not care, I do not write that way, I write from my heart and emotions and feelings are not perfect.
This is my demon that I am battling:
I am wondering around after a huge gunfight, clearing routes etc. I see two guys (not our guys) they have someone on the floor goading him. I yell over “pack it in” but they do not stop. I can see them one has a foot on the mans head and is pointing a knife at his throat. I start running towards them yelling at them to stop. Then without any warning the guy holding the knife pushes it slowly into the mans throat until it comes out the other side, he then does a sawing motion and the knife cut through the front. I push them out of the way and have to stand over a man gasping for breath gurgling out his last noises. This is the last image I have in my head before I go to sleep every night. It now haunts me during the day. How long do you think it took the man to die – The rest of my life.
So if you do not see me on Twitter for a while, you know why, I am battling away. I may video it one day, no no I won’t.
So those who have been to the that dark place where you are screaming out loud “leave me alone I can’t take any more” you will know where I am today.
There’s nothing I can say or do that makes what you deal with “all better.” It seems as though it’s something you have to figure out on your own. But I do think writing it down like this is cathartic.
What you wrote is powerful and emotional, a way to let the horrors out and ease the pressure on you, even if for a little bit. I don’t pretend to imagine I can relate in any way to what’s happened and what you live with. All I can do is be a bit of strength for you if you ever need it, or will let me.
xo
Am so sorry I took so long to get to this post. Thank you for having the strength to face this and share it with us. I know that most of us are unable to grasp the hideousness of this. The cruelty and sick fuck that gloats and the animal that war brings out in men. I have violence within me but it should only be used to defend my own not fight another mans war. That should be done with words and wisdom not weapons. This what you describe is crime against humanity. How that helps your suffering I don’t know. I guess it doesn’t but if there were anything in my power to do to help it then please know that it’s yours. I’m here your friends are here for you.
you are a strong man, Ern, but even in strength, comes weakness. You are entitled to feel anger at what you have seen, what haunts you, but, my dear friend, anger only causes unhappiness. Find an outlet (if writing is not enough) to let go of that anger and find that place where you can (well, I was going to say feel at peace, but that will probably not happen) at least find solitude in knowing that you were strong enough to witness, to help and to be courageous enough to stand up for what you believe in … most people don't ever do that because they are so afraid of what others will think … what others will say …. you are above those types of people and seeing (well, hearing LOL) you with this anger built up inside of you is something that saddens me, because you are my happy, underwear photo taking, friend
I am still the happy underwear photo taking friend
This happened a long time ago. I needed to write it down as it had started to haunt me again. It seems to have worked, I have not had the nightmares since I wrote this. And it's wonderful to have you back in my life, my photographic inspiration 